Absolute Exhaustion

And Moving Beyond It

I want to melt into a puddle.

No interest in doing anything.

No aspirations for the future.

No joy in the present.

It is funny how heavy the world can feel at times.

The lows are a reminder.

It is not always about the highs.

Trying to turn the low into a high is not the path.

Not acknowledging the low is not helpful either.

The low is a powerful form of medicine in its way.

Even when I feel like moving this body takes more energy than I can muster, I can move.

Even when I feel like coming up with an idea to write about is impossible, I can write.

Even when I feel like I want to put off my craft until the next day, I show up.

For myself.

For the slow build-up of willpower that comes from doing the things I do not want to do.

The greater the desire to not do something?

The more willpower I gain as a result of doing it anyway.

The internal mental dance I do, before I sit down and do whatever I feel resistance against, is always harder than actually carrying out the task.

Once the flow begins, all I must do is get out of the way.

Does this mean I magically feel better?

Not at all.

But the weight feels less.

The desire to melt away and cease being shrinks.

To go and pursue some distraction to take my mind away from the weight would have been my previous coping strategy.

Weed.

Netflix.

Reading.

Video Games.

None of these are bad in themselves, but when used as an excuse to keep me away from myself, they enable self-harm.

I am grateful to be in a place where I know the low is nothing to hide from or to be ashamed of.

Instead, it is a wonderful opportunity.

Does it feel good?

No, but the point of a chance to grow is not to feel better in the moment.

In the future, when I reflect and honor how I gave what I could provide, this is victory.

I do not expect whatever I do in the low to be the best.

I do not judge myself for sinking to the low after an event.

I do not wish for the time to pass to be in a happier place in a fantasized future.

When spending 6+ hours studying for a Chemistry exam in college with a friend, I told him how I wished to be done with the long grind of studying.

He told me something I will never forget.

"Do not wish away time." He said.

I saw the error in my way.

Regardless of the suffering.

Regardless of my feeling of inadequacy.

Regardless of my desire to be beyond the current challenge.

This moment is not mine to wish away.

Nor the next one.

I happened to be born.

Later, I will die.

I came into this world with nothing.

I will leave with nothing.

To say I wish I were over there, further down the timeline, when all is happy, easy, and beautiful, is to build a fantasy world.

In one light this fantasy world can be a path of freedom.

To hold onto something to look forward to in a time of deep darkness.

In another light, this fantasy world can be a terrible prison.

Where the fantasy world is never reachable, so life is guaranteed to remain subpar.

That is, until either I or the fantasy world, disappear.

I say this as a lover of fantasy.

As someone who has dreamed of magical worlds.

And wishes for all people to bring the beauty of their fantasies to life in the real world.

Dreams are powerful and offer us many lessons.

But to think reality exists only within dreams is to miss out on the beauty of right now.

Come back to the now and look for the beauty in the suffering.

Look for it in the smallest of things.

Nothing is unworthy of consideration.

When something grabs your attention, search within for the feeling of gratitude.

It is down there somewhere.

Be patient.

Even if gratitude feels out of reach, let yourself give gratitude to something.

The ability to see.

The ability to hear.

The ability to taste.

The freedom to think.

The freedom to grow.

The freedom to believe.

The knowledge of who you are.

The knowledge of who you are not.

The knowledge of who you might become.

Gratitude can be given to any of these.

The more you feel gratitude, the greater your capacity for awe.

Awe is an uplifting state of being you can create space to let into your life with a little intention.

You do not need to make it to some breathtaking overlook after climbing a mountain.

It is right there alongside you in everyday experience.

Use gratitude to break out of the fantasy world.

To let the blissful state of awe visit you.

Every time you open to receive it.