Into the Jungle I Go
To Face Myself In Ceremony
Two weeks from today I will be in the jungle.
For three days straight.
Why?
To sit in
a tobacco purge
a nighttime Ayahuasca ceremony
a daytime Ayahuasca ceremony
And I am afraid.
I both know what to expect and know I cannot have any expectations.
Six months ago I was in Ecuador for a two-week plant medicine retreat.
When I left Ecuador, I had no intention of returning to a plant medicine ceremony in the short term.
Back in Mexico, the people who run the ceremonies I attend here sent an email. There was an upcoming workshop on Ayahuasca integration.
I signed up the same day I heard about it.
In the workshop, I met Nina, an experienced therapist and Ayahuasca integration guide.
Right away I knew I wanted to work with her to learn how to support people in their work with Ayahuasca.
On the 10th of July, I began her program.
It is the longest program I have ever signed up for.
15 months in total.
The first three months are all about preparation for ceremony.
At the three-month mark, you go to ceremony.
This is where I find myself now.
Since the 10th of July, I have gone deep into my past, into my future goals, and into my current challenges.
Weekly calls with Nina and a fellow trainee brought me to a state of readiness, unlike anything I had going into my other ceremonies.
One of the primary differences is how much attention is given to the intention of the retreat.
Before my first Ayahuasca ceremony in June of 2023, I knew I needed to set an intention.
For all of my ceremonies since then, I invested time and energy to determine what I aim to bring into ceremony to work on.
The amount of effort put into developing my intention for this ceremony has taken me so much deeper into understanding what I want to work on.
Another key difference is in the support I feel.
It is empowering to join a tribe consisting of people with experience and expertise far beyond my own.
To know they will be alongside me for the real challenge, the year of integration work after the retreat, is amazing.
Ayahuasca ceremonies are beautiful and challenging.
They can bring up the darkest parts out of the recesses of your mind.
Because this is where the work is.
Emotionally this work may be heavy, and you may dance with some of the lowest lows.
These lows may come up in ceremony, or the integration afterward.
Facing these lows is part of what I am afraid of.
I know I am capable of the work.
My previous experience taught me how difficult and uncomfortable this work can be.
Yet I know it is the path forward for me.
I prefer to face myself and learn how I may grow further.
Even when the process makes me want to curl up into a ball and fade away into nothing.
Because in that moment, when I choose to face the darkness, victory occurs.
Only by moving through the darkness, is there space for experiencing expansive ecstasy.
After my retreat, I will take some downtime. To give myself space to ease back into daily life.
As a hungry, creative individual, my drive to make things gets in the way of the need for rest.
The beauty of the program I am in is a built-in period after the retreat where I will do integration work hands-on with Nina before returning home.
Rather than shifting straight from deep, introspective work in an Ayahuasca ceremony to my day-to-day life, I will get to ease back into society under the watch of an experienced guide.
I am nervous.
I am excited.
I am grateful.
May all beings have the opportunity to face themselves and grow.
Namaste
Evan