Recovering from a car crash
And what it taught me about the nature of suffering
What is the difference between pain and suffering?
I was in a car crash in my teens.
In the immediate aftermath of the car crash, I had physical pain in my shoulder and in my neck.
I went to physical therapy.
Sometimes the area behind my shoulder will still hurt, but very little.
In the car crash, my vehicle (a Honda Civic) was hit from behind by a work truck.
For years afterward, I would glance in my rearview mirror much more frequently than necessary.
When a car would come up behind me fast, nervousness and fear would rise.
In those moments, I was not in pain, but I was suffering greatly.
Over time, my nervous habit of checking my rearview faded.
Then I got hit from behind again some 8 years later.
This time, there was very little physical pain due to the lower severity of the crash.
Once again my habit of peeking at my rearview cropped up.
The suffering caused by fear and anxiety was back.
A little bit less than last time.
Through the passage of time and the learning that I could not control whether or not someone would drive up behind me and smash into my vehicle, the suffering as well as the habit of peeking at the rearview nervously faded.
Life presents so many types of learnings like these.
Where a brief instance of pain can teach us something actionable:
Do not touch a hot stove.
Walk carefully when navigating slick or icy surfaces.
Do not touch your eyes after handling spicy peppers.
If you have experienced these lessons firsthand, then you have faced pain, who is a great teacher.
The suffering that did or did not follow has very little to do with the pain.
Maybe you beat yourself up for being hasty or reckless when you fall and are physically injured due to running over ice.
This emotional self-abuse is where we transform the physical experience of pain into suffering.
Hence each of us is ultimately responsible for how much we suffer.
However, we are not responsible for how much pain we face.
Yes, we can work to avoid pain (e.g. checking to see if the stove is hot before touching it), but we will be presented with many painful situations that are unavoidable.
The degree of suffering that follows each event can vary greatly.
From a momentary flash of self-inflicted psychological torture to deep psychological scarring.
Remember how my mind got trapped in the habit of fearfully looking into the mirror after my first car crash?
This was a habit of mine, akin to brushing my teeth, but much less healthy.
The root of the fear was in something that could appear to be good: to avoid physical pain brought about by getting hit from behind. However, the manifestation of the behavior was toxic.
Each time my fear drove me to peek at the mirror I was further reinforcing the idea of there being a threat coming at me from behind.
I developed an awareness of the activation of my fight or flight system:
Elevated heart rate.
Sweaty palms.
Darting eyes.
In moments where it was completely unnecessary, such as coming to a halt in stop-and-go traffic.
With this awareness and with repeated exposure to an opportunity to experience my fear, I would remind myself that there was no threat (at least not one that I could do something about).
So when I was hit again, much less time and effort were required for me to reprogram my mind out of its suffering loop.
Life contains a few infrequent, but major milestones:
My death
The death of my family
The death of my friends
While I can reduce my stress while driving a car through mindful work each time I get into a car, these events are in a different category.
There is minimal chance of intentionally exposing myself to my death until it naturally arises.
Which makes the work on my suffering from the more day-to-day events of life all the more important.
In each moment of pain, there is an opportunity to become aware of the suffering as it arises.
Rather than running from suffering, or drowning in it, embrace it.
Give it space.
Welcome it as a part of the experience of life.
Then let it go.