Vulnerability Builds Intimacy

Last month I went to a retreat in Ecuador. This is where I found myself the morning of the first day of the retreat.

Today I go off to Gaia Sagrada for a two week plant medicine retreat where I will work with both Ayahuasca and San Pedro. I am both excited and terrified.

A key part of sitting for ceremony with Ayahuasca is to bring an intention. For the first ceremony of the retreat, my intention is to surrender. In the four other ceremonies I have sat in over the past year, I have found deeper healing when I am able to surrender more to the medicine. As someone who likes to retain control, letting go of the reins is not easy. Especially when there is powerful medicine involved. When I sit and discover a train of thought or emotion where my initial reaction is to hide or to resist uncovering what I have found, an internal battle begins to let go of baggage. To face the baggage I truly do not want to deal with is extremely liberating.

This process is challenging and not much fun. Cathartic? Oh yeah. As a part of the cathartic release, the crying and internal judgement have to be allowed to flow. There are many different ways of purging. If you are like me and there has been a significant amount of grief in your life recently, you may not find yourself purging in the most commonly heard of method — vomiting. Instead, shedding many tears could be the form of release.

Ayahuasca, also known as la Abuela , meaning grandmother, is one of many master plants. Peyote, San Pedro and Tobacco are a few others. This retreat will be the first time I sit with San Pedro. Whenever going to work with master plants, there is often a fear — what if I am not the same afterwards? The fear is even stronger the first time trying something new. This is a valid and necessary fear. There are certain mental states where a drastic change in the mind is not healthy and is more likely to cause more harm than good, at least in the short term. While I have yet to feel ‘ready’ to do the work Abuela offers me, knowing my feet are truly underneath me is essential.

Even if I am feeling prepared, I always look for signals in my life to see if it is an okay time to work with master plants. Recent deep emotional trauma? It is not time. Recent consumption of pharmaceuticals or other substances with contraindications to Abuela? Better to wait. There is always time to do work later.

If life has been kind enough to keep heavy trauma away in the past few months, the mental and emotional states feel balanced, and food, drink and medicine are in alignment with Abuela, then it could be time to consider pursuing the work. So, the initial fear based question may rise up again. If I work with Ayahuasca, will I be the same person afterwards? To address this question, let me share a story from a recent phone call with a friend of mine.

Last week I called one of my best friends. Let us call him Joe. I needed to share with him my updated timeline for the month of April as we were potentially going to collaborate on a project. I needed to shift our scheduled kickoff conversation from the second to the fourth week of April as the retreat I was planning on attending during the first week of April had been cancelled. While my friend knew I was going on this retreat, what he did not know before our phone call was this was a plant medicine retreat. While I have been working with plant medicine since last June, this random update call with my friend felt like the time to share.

Last year I read How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollen, and then watched the first documentary episode covering LSD on Netflix. In the documentary, an artist whose work I admire, A$AP Rocky, spoke to his fear of working with Ayahuasca. This was surprising to me as he has provided me with wisdom and guidance in his music. I shared this perspective with my friend Joe, and said I would love to empower people to overcome their fear of working with plant medicine.

As Joe has not worked with plant medicine, he mentioned his fear of not knowing whether or not a person is the same before and after taking Ayahuasca for the first time. Joe said he would want to know a person before and after Ayahuasca to feel confident they were the same. As soon as he said this, I sensed my opportunity to share about my experiences this past year which I had previously not had the courage to tell him about.

I replied, well what about me?

Joe was confused and asked if I had worked with plant medicine before.

I said yes, since last June.

He said, well you are still Evan.

This chat was a beautiful opportunity for me to be vulnerable with one of my closest friends. Sharing with him a key part of my healing process lets me speak much more freely about how I worked through the grief I carry from the end of my 10 year relationship. Our conversation provided a chance for him to let go of one of his fears around plant medicine.

Whether or not he ever works with Ayahuasca does not matter. Getting to pose the question — if I take this, will I be the same afterwards? Then having his question answered through the experience of another person (me :) ) and seeing the before and after is empowering. The more we share our stories with others, the more connected and free we all become. Vulnerability builds intimacy. Even if it is terrifying to put the truth out there… Do it anyway. Go through the fear and discomfort. This is courage.

Where in your life could you be more vulnerable? What is holding you back?